Can’t even sleep. Going from one anxiety attack to another and another, and every time I try to do something to keep my mind distracted I just feel even more anxious.
It took a while for it to hit, and I needed to vent some of my other emotions out first for it to hit properly, but looking back, I’m really angry at her right now. Myself too, but for a different reason.
One of the problems raised was this “sense of entitlement”, entitlement to know what is going on with her, but thinking back, maybe I’m not entitled to know, but I do at least deserve to know how she’s doing. Certainly she deserves to know how I’m doing, or does if she cares about me, and that’s why I tried to be more open. I certainly care about her, and I know I don’t deserve to be shoved away for nearly half a year because of it.
Thinking back, is it because I have thought about her romantically in the past, or because I care at all, as a friend or otherwise, that makes her uncomfortable?
When my friend, any of my friends are in the hospital, I want to fucking know, and I will be justifiably pissed, absolutely livid if they intentionally keep it from me. That’s not even co-dependency, that’s basic.
The hardest part about giving someone space is when you have a lot to say, but by the time you see them again, most of it will be forgotten. Instead there will just be a general feeling of unease leftover.
The next hardest thing is when you already haven’t actually had a real conversation with them in a while, but they ask for space, so you have even more piled up in your head in a backlog half of which is forgotten already.
Then when you do see that person again, you’re probably not going to want to talk about any of it anymore, even if you do remember. You just want to move on, but this will be a mistake. You’ll probably make it anyway, but it’s a mistake because until issues are actually sorted out, the relationship you do have with that person is still on its way to crashing regardless of how much time you give each other.
Lastly, you might just push it all down anyway because you don’t want to be abandoned. You really value this person as a friend, but after being “managed” and pushed away for nearly half a year, you still want to be patient, but the way things are going, you probably will be abandoned, because by that point, it is the easiest option for them, because the truth is, you’re not worth the effort it takes to maintain a friendship, you’re not fun to spend time with, you’re not relatable, you’re actually really weird, and you love her which just makes your friend feel awkward and that you are untrustworthy, even when you do your best to not let those feelings get in the way. Somehow, there’s still some invisible pressure that you’re not even trying to emit, but you do it anyway, and you don’t even realize that’s part of the problem until it is too late.
Your friend is already struggling with other things, important things, and they really are important, and you’re just one more thing to worry about right now, so why bother with you at all? In fact, your friend might not even think she’s worth the effort to you and make the decision for you, so you’ll not only have a bunch of unsaid things leftover, you will never have the chance to talk about them properly. Ever.
Her other friends will tell her to do it too, it doesn’t matter that they don’t know you particularly well, because before she makes her decision, she’s probably not going to try and find out what she wants to know directly from you. She’ll rely on other people’s paraphrasing and interpretations of you, form her own opinion, make up her mind about exactly what she’ll do, and all without consulting you at all. Unfair, but life isn’t fair either and you can’t expect it to be. No matter how much you try to be fair to other people, you can’t expect it back. Ever.
It is really stifling, but I don’t want to give up either, because her friendship is still precious to me. But now I just want to just lay in bed and cry for the next month because it hurts.
All I wanted at the beginning of this year was a friend, not a lover, and I screwed that up. I screwed that up by being too affectionate, by wanting her to know she was loved, and that even though I couldn’t speak for anyone else, I wanted her to know she was still loved. I screwed that up by jumping into something I knew was a bad idea, but was something I wanted so much myself that I rationalized it anyway because she wanted it too.
And I was selfish. I’m affectionate because I too wanted some affection. I tried to be there for her because I wanted someone that was there for me too, someone I could talk to about anything if nothing else. I wanted her to know she was loved because I also wanted to feel loved. I thought it was okay to want these things, but I never tried to force it either, not consciously anyway if I did… gosh I hope I didn’t do so unconsciously.
I see people that are just friends out there, that are so casual, so comfortable around each other. They can talk about anything, when they fight, they always get over it. They tease each other and cry together and are always there for each other no matter what. I guess, I wanted too much. Or maybe I could never properly communicate what I really wanted. Maybe I just have bad signaling. Maybe I’m just a horrible communicator, so bad that it really is too much to ask for some patience with me.
Kind of don’t want to go to sleep tonight. I just feel like I’ll have nothing but nightmares and not be able to wake up until noon anyway…
I try to smile in front of everybody, put on my best face and laugh with everybody else, but the truth is I just feel lonely and like I don’t belong. I try to love everybody, because I want to feel loved myself, but I’m scared I never will, and I don’t know why. I always manage to take care of myself in the end, usually because I have no other choice, but my heart hurts a lot right now, and yet I still have to put up my smile and pretend nothing is wrong when everything is wrong.
I just want to lay here and cry but I can’t even do that anymore…
we believe in things that in our minds, are quite convincing.
The truth is, just because we believe something doesn`t make it true. In fact, the thoughts we have can hurt us more than help us, and as much as I understand it`s hard to give up those thoughts, it`s not okay. They lead us down a path…
What is it that makes us human? We talk, we think, we build, we sympathize and empathize and feel pain.
We hurt each other and fear. We celebrate and share. We love, we hate, we have sex and we kill. We build and we destroy. We learn and we teach.
What though, makes us truly, uniquely, human? Nothing on that list inspires much to be honest, because you can find it all across the animal kingdom, in parts if nothing else. They’re animal traits, not human traits. Even war is an animal trait common in the more sociable animals (which oddly enough mainly groups the higher apes like humans, dolphins and hive insects like ants and bees together, strange bedfellows, them).
I can think of a few things though.
We learn for learning’s sake. We teach for teaching’s sake. We try to understand for understanding’s sake. We explore for exploring’s sake. We practice science, and art, and medicine, and philosophy, and design, and engineering, and many other things, all for their own sake.
Not everyone all of the time, but enough of us sometimes. What scares me though are the societies we have constructed around ourselves that deemphasize the very things that make us humans, that make us people. And then we take the energy that otherwise would be spent on just being human and direct it into “rational” purposes.
I think rationality is overrated. Certainly we should have enough of it to immunize our minds against certain poisons (like the daily news), but not to the point where we give up our humanity.
Humans make mistakes, and have weird and/or kinky fetishes, and do stupid things, and fall along different neural-spectrums and ability-spectrums, and get depressed. That’s okay. But it seems like there is this disease infecting our species, that it is not okay to be what we are, that to be human is to be evil, that to be animals is to be degrading ourselves, that to want to be happy is to be unworthy of it, and being what we are, we create like-minded bubbles to isolate ourselves from the different, no matter how ordinary, the strange, no matter how actually normal if less common.
I really don’t understand it at all, but I hope one day I can live in a society where being human isn’t a bad thing.
I named this blog Collected Wisdom as a promise to myself, to collect the wisdom I gather from all over in one place. I meant for that place to be this blog, so others could read it too, but it mainly gathered in my brain and went no further than that.
I didn’t break the promise though, because I am collecting that wisdom, every single day. My mind never stops thinking, no matter what, no matter the time of day, no matter what else I am doing, and I take that wisdom, and I recombine it, and I derive new theories and more wisdom from it.
That’s the real promise: to keep learning.
Still, I was hoping I could someday make what I learn accessible to others, but I underestimated the challenge of this, because one of the most difficult challenges we as people face is simply understanding each other. Our life experiences shape us, and they never match up perfectly. We could surround ourselves with people just like us, and never learn anything more, or we would surround ourselves with people who are completely different, and learn forever from them. I know which one I prefer to do, and I’ve been lucky enough to be able to do it.
Now though, I feel like I have hit a point in the process where I need to learn how to teach what I’ve learned to others. Throwing it all up on this Tumblr simply would not be the most effective way to do it either, and it is hard to capture your thoughts in real time, but teaching is something I can do. I have people close to me, I can start there.
I was talking with my friend Shina the other night, and I came up with this analogy to describe the combination of all I have learned put together: a non-transferable black box. Based off of that conversation, I decided to question my own analogy: is it really non-transferable? The conclusion I came to would, well, probably piss most people off: yes and no.
Yes, because if transferring an exact copy were possible, the great human challenge of simply understanding each other would be no challenge at all.
No, because I can still take parts of it, parts that I can qualitatively judge to be important, useful, relevant, and teach that to an individual. I cannot put myself into someone else’s head, but I can vest part of my way of thinking into someone else and see how it influences them as it matures. A seed so to speak.
Or basically, an extension of an old idiom: you can give a man a fish and feed him for a day, or you can teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime.
Still, that leaves me with one thing to say to everyone I would meet, quite possibly the most important lesson I could ever teach anyone. A lesson so important, it took me 21+ years to realize just how important it is: Don’t give up hope.
Like Pandora’s Box, once all the evils of the world are revealed to you, there is still hope. Hope is something that can never be taken away from you, you can only give it up yourself. Hope is the power to give you something to look forward to. Hope can give you the strength to face all of those evils, to face all of your pain, and keep you moving forward no matter how much it hurts. Hope is, in a word, light. The light at the bottom of Pandora’s Box, at the bottom of everyone’s “Box”.
This is what I really wish I had said to my friend earlier, before she went to bed, before I went home. When something wasn’t going the way we wanted it to, I wish all my 21+ years had melted away in that moment to reveal this one lesson. I know she went to bed frustrated, and I left her house frustrated with myself, but I haven’t given up hope, and I hope she hasn’t given up hope either, because as long as we still have that, we still have a chance to do the things we want to do. Hope is what we need most of right now, and everything else, we can muster forward ourselves, because that is our power, our strength.
Open communication is the best medicine. I’m still upset at myself for having gotten upset at all, but… well, I can’t complain about how things turned out. Rather than second guess everything, I’m just going to treasure the feelings I have. They’re mine, and nobody can ever take those away from me.
Happy day today~ went to go visit my friend Alex in Union City/Fremont/The World That Never Was and we had fun~ and we built half of a wooden car and we played at the playground and I made him scream like a girl and we got Hawaiian barbecue and I had a horrible Chicken Katsu (could have been worse, I have had worse) and I got new shoes and he bought handcuffs and um… it was fun!
Visiting my friend Jia Mei tomorrow at SFSU. Helping her on a paper, hopefully we can finish early enough that we have time for some funner stuff too! =^-^=
I think one of the reasons it is so difficult for me to wake up in the morning sometimes is because I keep snoozing my alarms because I want to escape my reality into my dreams.
Sadly it sometimes makes my reality worse, when I can’t wake up in time for planned occasions, or I’m left without enough time in the day to do everything I need to. My time management on a good day isn’t horrible, but just not being able to wake up early enough in the day drops it from “not so bad” to “rather horrible”. sigh Oh well.
Really hate this day. Can’t even find a good way to stay distracted from my own thoughts.
Just wanted to talk about things that are bothering me, and I can’t even get those particular thoughts out of my head to the one person I needed to talk to. I hate this, it hurts, but I’ll try to be patient until Tuesday anyway…