Two months is a lifetime. Knowing you, it may even be the rest of yours. I’m trying my best though, because the end of that two months is my light. If somehow it were to disappear, the darkness would probably swallow me whole. Even if I were to survive, I certainly would never be able to live. Planets turn and planets burn and humans grow no wiser. I’m no exception.
I’m really glad I’m alive right now. The nights are still hard, and it is still hard for me to be alone without feeling anxious, but I’m glad I’m alive, if only for the small pleasures like watching a movie with you. I hope next time, we don’t wait so long to watch a movie together. We still have another movie we were planning to watch, don’t we? :)
Still, I worry that I’m burdening you already. I just want to enjoy time together with you. My heart doesn’t hurt and I don’t feel anxious and empty, and I enjoy every moment we spend with each other. I hope you enjoy time with me too, I hope I’m not just burdening you.
I planned a super fun game for just the two of us, it’s something new, something I thought of yesterday while cleaning, something interesting, and I really hope, no, I think, you’ll like it. I hope you appreciate the thought that went into it too when you finally learn what it is. I really do enjoy making you happy, so even if you don’t think you deserve it, I think you do. I really do, or I wouldn’t still be here, would i? :)
Shaking with anxiety. I wish you were right here, but I know it doesn’t matter what I want. You’ve chosen to be there for someone else instead, even though I really need you right now.
If it isn’t anxiety keeping me awake, it is anger, or some other emotion. I have to wake up in two hours and I can’t sleep at all. I’m just left here to drown in my own emotions, the same place I’ve been for weeks, months, silently suffering until recently. It is hard to believe you care about me when I feel like the last person you want to see, and probably am. What difference would it be to you if I were alive or dead? Why should it even matter?
My anxiety is still making it difficult to sleep and I have a lot more to talk about than I managed to on the phone with you last night, but I feel like there’s some hope, once more. I’m going to cling to it, because it is all I feel I have right now.
Maybe the only good thing about me is that my circumstances caused the three of you to meet. I’m clearly not needed anymore, so I should just you all get on with your lives.
I’m really glad you don’t read my Tumblr and will never see this, because I’m going to finish what I started and end it soon. I’m sorry for failing you. I’m sorry for not being able to be there in the way you needed. I’m sorry for not being able to protect you. I’m sorry for having been born. I’m sorry for being a horrible person, and a horrible friend. I’m just a failure. I just want to end this feeling of being a failure as soon as possible. I’m going to make my plan now.
Just feeling lost again tonight. Too lost to care what happens to me from now on. I deserve whatever treatment I get, because whatever treatment I get is what I deserve for whatever I do. If I were actually a good person, I would be treated as such. But I’m not.
Maybe it is impossible for me to be a good person, a good friend after all. It seems like I just screw everything up, when I’m just trying my best. I give into my emotions and screw everything up. I don’t want to lose anyone. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose our friend. I don’t want to lose anything, and yet I screw everything up. I got to be happy, for a brief moment, but at someone else’s expense. I’m sorry for being so horrible.
I want to believe I still have a chance to make things right. I’m searching desperately for a psychiatrist even now, because I want to get stable again. I really want to get stable for your sake, and for my sake, and for everyone’s sake before I screw anything else up again.
Even now, I think of hurting myself every night, and I don’t, but I feel like it’s the only way out of this torment. I want to get stable, and find another job, and a whole bunch of things. I’m sorry for always causing pain and worry.
I finally have some hope for the future. It’s fragile, but it is there, and I want to hold onto it. I will never believe it is possible to love or care for someone too much, no matter what your role in their life, love and care are pure, scarce feelings, and I don’t want to live in a world where there could be “too much”.
I decided to make a list of all the things I want to do before I die, later on when I wake up. I’ll give it to you, because I want to do these things with you too. I hope you approve…
Even if it is selfish, I want to try to recover for you anyway. I still want you in my life, even if it is selfish. Even if it is selfish, I still want to see you, spend time with you, have fun with you. Please let me be a little selfish, it doesn’t have to be a lot, just enough to know you care about me. Even if i don’t deserve it, please. Just a little bit…
I’m really torn. A part of me wants to try and get better for your sake, because doing anything for myself is no motivation at all. But, a part of me thinks that you deserve better than me, that its impossible for me to be the kind of person I want to be for you, that you’re better off without me.
I want to try, if you’ll have me around. I really want to try, but without you there, I feel powerless. I feel selfish for wanting to try at all, for wanting to have you there, and after everything this past year, all I can think is that asking for anything, anything at all that I want is wrong. No matter how small the request, it’s wrong for me to ask. It’s too selfish, and what I want, it doesn’t matter, because I don’t deserve it anyway. Not even the smallest most insignificant thing, and after hurting you the way I did, by trying to hurt myself the way I did, I especially don’t deserve anything.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to see you. I really want to see you but I don’t deserve to, but if I can’t, I can’t do anything else either. But if I don’t do anything else first, then I definitely don’t deserve to see you. But even if I did, I still wouldn’t because it doesn’t matter what I do. I don’t deserve to be in your presence. In that case, what’s the point of trying to do anything at all?
I’m just an unbearable and unforgivable person anyway. Not even a person. I’m a monster. Less than a person. I still want to be a person though. I still want to be forgiven. I still want to see you. I still want my friend back. I still want to have many more fun times with you. I still want to be deserving of being in your presence. I want to matter, in some way, to you. I didn’t used to think asking for that much at least was asking too much, but maybe it really is too much, or maybe it’s just I never deserved it at all.